MilkMilkLemonade.com

Milk, milk
Lemonade
'Round the corner, fudge is made
Stick your finger up the hole...
Out comes a chocolate Tootsie roll.
-Harold, NOLA

If its yellow let it mellow
If its brown flush it down
-Justin V.H., Cottage Grove, MN

the penis joke

The one playing the joke says a word, and the person they're playing the joke on will say "I", spell the word, then say "ness"

You: Cat.
Them: I c-a-t ness.
You: Pencil.
Them: I p-e-n-c-i-l ness.
You: Blue.
Them: I b-l-u-e ness.
You: Red.
Them: I r-e-d ness.
You: Map.
Them: I m-a-p ness.
-Liz, Media, PA

Yankee Doodle went to town
riding on a heater
accidentally turned it on
and burnt his little peter.
-Zachery D., Rockhall MD

Tarzan the monkey man
swinging from a rubber band,
he slips, he falls,
he's hanging from his balls,
they rip they tear
they're flying everywhere.

also:

Tarzan the monkey man
swinging from a rubber band,
he slips, he falls,
a cheetah bites his balls,
they pop, they tear,
they're flying every where.
-Zachery D., Rockhall MD

This was one we used to go around saying when I was a kid. I taught it to my children. See how boring it is here in Kansas, we come up with some silly ones.

King Kong
went to Hong Kong
To play ping pong,
with his ding dong.
-Sydney, Kansas

My brothers used to sing:
(push your belly button)
Push the button
(Motion as if you are pulling on your male anatomy)
Pull the chain
(Now point at your bum and say)
Out comes chocolate cho-cho train!
-Lavonne Westbrooks, Suwanee Georgia

When I'm dead burry me, hang my balls on a cherry tree.
When they're ripe, take a bite, don't blame me if you puke all night.
-Simon Chan

What are you going to do for a face when the monkey wants his bum back?
-A. Nonymous, England

To the tune of Frere Jaques:

ELECTION 1988
Marijuana, Marijuana,
LSD, LSD,
Betty Crocker makes it
Mike Dukakis takes it
Why don't we?
Why don't we?
-M. Whited, Texas
Circa 1988

REGURGITATE
A cheerleader chant:
Regurgitate!
Regurgitate!
You throw up everything you ate!
You vomit
You vomit
Yaaaaaaaaay vomit!!!!
-M. Whited, Texas
Circa mid-1960s

COPENHAGEN IS FALLING
Copenhagen is falling, hurrah, hurrah
Copenhagen is falling, hurrah
And all of the people
Went up in the steeple
To spit on the people below

(in German accent): Ahhhh, vimen Ah-men Ahh-tiller, August, September, October No-vunder we are sober We ain't got no beer

My little brother Heinrich Was out the window looking Inward-outward looking He saw a tree there standing He saw a peach there hanging He reached the window out, He fell the window out He lay on the ground His head on a rock Peach-less.

He died, he did, He died a broken rib, he did He died, he did, He died a broken rib, he did

Where are the boys who bowl on the green, Who bowl on the green, Who bowl on the green? Where are the boys who bowl on the green? Boys! Don't bowl on the green, The green is for the king, The king is for the queen, The queen is for the prince. Prince?? What prince? Fingerprints? Footprints? Nooooo, (whistles like one would call a dog) Here, Prince!

The moral of this story is never mistake asthma (Gasping noise) For passion (Ahhhhhhhhh - sighing noise).
-M. Whited, Texas
Circa mid-1960s

(insert name)'s doin' it, doin' it
picking his (or her) nose and chewin' it, chewin' it
puts a dime in the booger machine
out comes another one long and green
girls think it's candy, boys think it's gum
out comes another one -- yum, yum, yum
-S. Edmonds, Larned, KS

Yankee Doodle went to town
Riding on a rocket
stuck a feather up his butt
and called it Hershey chocolate
-Justin V.H., Cottage Grove, MN

Hi ho, hi ho
It's off to school we go
We sat in the back to see her crack
Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho

Hi ho, hi ho
It's off to school we go
We sat in the front to see her cunt
Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho
-Thomas S. (AKA Dutchman), Brooklyn,NY

My father lies over the ocean
My mother lies over the sea
My father lies over my mother
And that made me.
-Thomas S. (AKA Dutchman), Brooklyn,NY

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the lord
he can barely round the mountain in his green and yellow ford
with one hand on the throttle and the other on the bottle
he'll kill his damn self yet

chorus

gory, gory, what a hell of a way to die
gory, gory what a hell of a way to die
gory, gory what a hell of a way to die
he'll kill his damn self yet
-West Magoon, Lusk, Wyoming
Circa 1960's

She was comin' down the mountain going 60
When the chain on her motorcycle broke.
When they found her in the grass, with a piston up her ass
and her titties playing Dixie on the spokes.
-Steve F, Amarillo, Texas

Jingle bells,
Batman smells,
Robin layed an egg.
The Batmobile lost a wheel,
And the Joker got away!
-B. Punzlif, Florida

Miss Mary had a steamboat, the steamboat had a bell;
Miss Mary went to Heaven, the steamboat went to...
Hello operator, just give me number nine;
And if you disconnect me, I'll chop off your...
Behind the 'frigerator, there was a pice of glass.
Miss Mary sat upon it and cut her little... Ask me no more questions, I'll tell you no more lies:
The boys are in the bathroom, pulling down their...
Flies are in the kitchen, bees are in the park,
Miss Mary and the principal are kissing in the...
D-A-R-K, D-A-R-K, dark, dark, dark!
-B. Punzlif, Florida

Joy to the World,
Our teacher's dead.
We bar-be-cued her head!
What happened to the body?
We flushed it down the potty!
And round and round it goes,
and round and round it goes,
And round and round and round it goes!
-B. Punzlif, Florida

Deck the halls with kerosene!
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
Light a match and watch in gleam!
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
Watch the school-house burn to ashes,
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
Aren't you glad you play with matches?
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
-B. Punzlif, Florida

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a turtle turned the corner just in time to see a ladies girdle
-Reed, Wyoming

Great big globs of greasy grimy gopher guts
Mutilated monkey meat
Dead baby parakeets
Great big globs of greasy grimy gopher guts
And me without my spoon

Many variations exist. "[your name here]'s Made of greasy, grimy...", "chopped up liver meat" instead of "dead baby parakeets", "french-fried eyeballs boiled in a pot of beans" instead of the second-to-last line, "oops, I forgot my spoon."
-A. Robbins, Oklahoma

Great green globs of greasy, grimy gopher guts
mutiliated monkey meat
dirty little birdy's feet
lukewarm vomit floatin' down the avenue
don't you wish you had a spoon.... or even a straw
-S. Edmonds, Larned, KS

Do your balls hang low?
Do they waddle to and fro?
Do you tie them in a knot?
Do you tie them in a bow?
Do you throw them over your shoulders like a continental soldier?
Do your balls hang low?
-Joe, Ferndale, WA
Circa 1986

I dont shut up,
I throw up,
and your mother comes around the corner
and licks it up!
-Wormy, Florida

ooh bip,
potato chip,
stick your head in doo doo dip (or "onion dip").
turn it in,
turn it out,
turn it into
sauerkraut.
-Legacy Tatum, Tallahassee, FL

The angle of the dangle
Is directly proportional
To the heat of the meat
Over the mass of the ass
Times the stink of the pink
-B. Punzlif, Florida

Open the door...
Take out a coke...
Drink it...
Me Chinese/me play joke/me put peepee/in your coke.
-Harold, Louisiana

Oh yeah...a cool trick to play on kids...
Q: What were you eating under there?
A: Huh? Under where?
Q: HAH-HAAAAH! You were eating underwear!!

ok one more...

Tell the kid, "When I say 'I'm a gold lock', you say 'I'm a gold key', and when I say 'I'm a silver lock' you say 'I'm a silver key', and so on. Got it?"

The kid says "Yes".

You: "I'm a gold lock."
Kid: "I'm a gold key."
You: "I'm a silver lock."
Kid: "I'm a silver key."
You: "I'm a brass lock."
Kid: "I'm a brass key."
You: "I'm a mung lock."
Kid: "I'm a monkey."
(can be done with "Dong lock" as well)
-Matt Rosemier from Edible Dirt (http://eddirt.frozenreality.co.uk/)

Featured Rhymes from the UK

some of these are gloriously rude!

my 1-skin lies over my 2-skin,
my 2-skin lies over my 3
my 3-skin lies over my foreskin,
so pull back my foreskin for me.

pull back, pull back,
pull back my foreskin for me, for me
pull back, pull back,
oh pull back my foreskin for me.

(to the tune of my bonnie lies over the ocean)

there was an engineer before he died,
whose wife was never satisfied.
so he built a great big wheel,
2 balls of brass and a prick of steel.

round and round went the great big wheel,
in and out went the prick of steel.
' til the balls of brass were filled with cream,
and the whole fucking lot was driven by steam.

' enough enough ' the maiden cried,
' at last , at last , i'm satisfied '
but now we come to the bit of it !
there was no way of stopping it !
the maiden was ripped from arse to tit
and the whole fucking lot was covered in shit.

whirly whirly custard,
snot and bogey pie,
all mixed up with a dead dog's eye.
spread it on bread,
spread it on thick,
then wash it all down with a cup of cold sick.

a bit rude, but hey we were 10 years old..and we had heard it all before.

mary had a little lamb,
she couldn't stop it grunting.
she took it down the garden path
and kicked its little c*nt in.

captain cook, slung his hook,
floating down the river.
he caught his cock on a jagged rock,
and it made his arsehole quiver.

there was an old woman from ealing,
who had a peculiar feeling.
she laid on her back , opened her crack
and pissed all over the ceiling

she was only a fishmonger's daughter,
but she laid on her back and said 'fillet'

she was only a mechanic's daughter,
but the nut that screwed her, bolted !
-bill greg, ashford, uk

glory, glory halelujah
teacher hit me with a ruler
i hid behind the door with a loaded .44
she ain't my teacher no more.

On top of the school bus
all covered in blood
i shot my poor teacher with a .44 slug

i went to her funeral
i went to her grave
everybody threw flowers
i threw a grenade

and after the smoke cleared
she still wasn't dead
i took my bazooka
and blew off her head

the police came and got me
they threw me in jail
so i took that bazooka
and blew them to hell
(sung to 'On top of Old Smokey')
-Zach, Lubbock, TX

In the days of old
when nights were bold
and toilets weren't invented.
You'd lay your load
beside the road
and walk away contented.
-Stephanie, Elmont, NY

Left, Left, Left, Right, Left
Your shirts too small, your pants to tights
Your balls are swinging from left to right
Left, Left, Left, Right, Left
-Stephanie, Elmont, NY

This alternates between two people:
You: I 1 dogshit
Kid: I 2 dogshit
You: I 3 dogshit
Kid: I 4 dogshit
You: I 5 dogshit
Kid: I 6 dogshit
You: I 7 dogshit
Kid: I ate dogshit.
-Jack, Staten Island, New York

It's a man's obligation
To stick his boneration
In a woman's separation.
This sort of penetration
Will increase the population
Of the younger generation.
-Jack, Staten Island, New York

this aint really a kid's rhyme, and it's unattributed by the source I got it from sclerotic-rings.livejournal.com, but this seems kind of appropriate anyhow...

"Mary had a little lamb,
A lobster and some prunes,
A slice of cake, a piece of pie,
And then some macaroons.
It made the naughty waiters grin
To see her order so,
And when they carried Mary out
Her face was white as snow."

The next two are from my Grandparents on my Mom's side...

From "Grampy" Martin:

The fly flew into the grocery store
singing doe-si-doe-si-doe
he flew right through the open door
singing doe-si-doe-si-doe
well he shit on the sugar and he shit on the ham
and he shit all over that grocery man
And then the fly flew out of the grocerey store
singing doe-si-doe-si-doe

Not to be outdone, when my Grandmother heard him singing that song to me, she told me a little rhyme of her own.

From "Granny" Martin:

Mrs. Nichols bought some pickles
on a windy day
but Annie Martin came a fartin'
and blew them all away

Two things about my Grandmother's poem really impressed me (I was like 8 at the time)

* My Grandmother wasn't someone that you would expect to know a dirty rhyme, let alone tell one to a kid, and...
* Her name was Anne, or "Annie" if you will. I always wondered about where that rhyme came from.

-Matt Rosemier from Edible Dirt (http://eddirt.frozenreality.co.uk/)

Old McDonald sitting on a fence
picking his balls with a monkey wrench
he went to the doctor and the doctor said
oh my gosh your balls are dead
-BHARATHI GOWDA

Old McDonald, sittin' on a fence
Beatin' his meat with a monkey wrench
Missed his dick and hit his balls
Blood all over his overalls
also

Old McDonald sittin on a fence, picked his balls with a monkey wrench.
Wrench got hot and burned his balls, pissed all over his overalls.
Went to the Doctor and the doctor said, sorry Fred your balls are dead.
-Simon Chan

A bunch of jumprope rhymes

Fudge, fudge call the judge
Mama's gonna have a baby
Wrap it toilet paper
Send it down the escalator
What's it gonna be?
A boy, a girl, twins or triplets?
A boy, a girl, twins or triplets?
A boy, a girl, twins or triplets?

Cin-der-ella, hair of yella
Went upstairs to kiss a fella
How many kisses did she get?
one, two, three, four, etc

Wine, wine the goose drank wine
Monkey chewed tobacco on the street car line
Line broke, monkey got choked and
We all went to heaven in a little row boat
Clap hands

Ta-rah-rah-BOOM-dee-ay
There is no school today
We made the teacher pay
We threw her in the bay
She swam to Monterey
And bought a Chevrolet
And then she drove away
Ta-rah-rah-boom-dee-ay!
Ta-rah-rah-boom-dee-ay!
They took my pants away
They left me standing there
In just my underwear
-El Rayo X, Austin, Texas

There's a skeeter on my peter, flick it off!
There's a skeeter on my peter, flick it off!
Look at him, he's got a dozen,
I can really hear them buzzin',
There's a skeeter on my peter, flick it off!
-Rob, NJ
Circa 1990's

Smokey the Bear,
You better comb your hair,
Or people come along
And strip you bare.

Have a beer,
Or kiss my rear!
Hey Smokey the Bear
You better comb your hair,
Or put on a hat,
Cause you look so fat...

And chubby,
And chubby,
And chu-u-u-ubby!
-Andy Faust

My friend Billy had a ten foot willy
And he showed it to the girl next door
She thought it was a snake
So she hit it with a rake
And now it's only four foot four.
-A. Nonymous, London England

Q. What time is it?
A. Half past a monkey's ass, quarter til his balls.
-Reed, Wyoming

Made you look, you dirty crook
stole your mother's pocketbook
turned it in, turned it out
turned it into sauerkraut
-West Magoon, Lusk, Wyoming

Yankee Doodle went to town
Riding on your mother
Every time they hit a bump
You got another brother
-Martin Bargetz, Bellingham, WA

Slidin' into first and your pants begin to burst
Diarrhea, un-un, Diarrhea, un-un
Runnin' on to two and you gotta take a poo
Diarrhea, un-un, Diarrhea, un-un
Movin' onto third and you wanna make a turd
Diarrhea, un-un, Diarrhea, un-un
Runnin' onto home and your pants begin to foam
Diarrhea, un-un, Diarrhea, un-un
-A. Robbins, Oklahoma

If you are running up the stairs
and you wet your pubic hairs
Diarrhea, Diarrhea,
-Daniel Steele, Tacoma Washington

When your driving in a van and you need to use the can diarrhea, diarrhea.
-Justin V.H., Cottage Grove, MN

I was drivin down the highway, Highway 84,
'til Harold let a big one and blew me out the door.
The wheels couldn't take it,
The engine fell apart,
All because of Harold's supersonic fart!
-Wormy, Florida

I'm the rubber
You're the glue
Anything you say bounces off of me and sticks to you
(usually followed by the other person saying, something they liked that the other didn't.
-Django, US

Hi ho, hi ho
It's off to school we go
With razor blades and hand grenades
Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho

Hi ho, hi ho
It's off to school we go
With dirty looks and porno books
Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho, hi ho
-A. Robbins, Oklahoma

Comet, it makes your mouth turn green
Comet, it tastes like kerosene
Comet, it makes you vomit
So go get some Comit and vomit today
-A. Robbins, Oklahoma

sorry to be mean
but you need some listerine
not a sip, not a swallow
but the whole damn bottle
-B. Punzlif, Florida

when youre walkin down the hall
and you feel somethin fall
diarrhea!
-Legacy Tatum, Tallahassee FL

Chinese / \
Japanese \ /
dirty knees
look at these!
-J. J. Rambo, Jerkwater USA

Chinese (push eyes up)
Japanese (push eyes down)
What are these?
Christmas trees (hold boobs)
-Justin V.H., Cottage Grove, MN

Up your butt and around the corner.
-Reed, Wyoming

Through the tube and out your boob.
-Reed, Wyoming

Whoever smelt it dealt it
-Django, US

Who ever denied it, supplied it.
-Thomas S. (AKA Dutchman), NY

Pick it
Lick it
Roll it
Flick it
-A. Robbins, Oklahoma

1) One rank out deserves another between your legs hangs your mother.

2) You ranked me out I must confess but in your mouth my dick may rest.
-Thomas S. (AKA Dutchman), NY

(Girl's name) and (Boy's name) sittin' in a tree
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
First comes love, then comes marriage
Then comes (Girl's name) with a baby carriage
-A. Nonymous

Gene, Gene, made a machine
Joe, Joe, made it go
Art, Art, cut a fart
And blew the whole damn thing apart
-Scott, Texas
Circa 1981

Burning of the school

To the tune of Battle Hymn of the Republic:

My eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school.
We have tortured every teacher. We have broken every rule.
We have barbecued the principal and destroyed the PTA
Our school keeps burning on.
Glory, glory hallelujah
Teacher hit me with a ruler
I hid behind the door with a loaded .44
And my teacher ain't teachin' no more

There are more variations here:
Wikipedia
-Tom, Deerfield, Illinois

Burning of the school

To the tune of Battle Hymn of the Republic:

My eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school.
We have tortured every teacher. We have broken every rule.
We have barbecued the principal and destroyed the PTA
Our school keeps burning on.
Glory, glory hallelujah
Teacher hit me with a ruler
I hid behind the door with a loaded .44
And my teacher ain't teachin' no more

There are more variations here:
Wikipedia
-Tom, Deerfield, Ilinois

Firecracker

Firecracker
Firecracker
T N T
Girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider.
Boys go to Mars to get more candy bars.

(or Boys go to Venus to get a bigger penis.)

-Tom, Deerfield, Illinois

Diarrhea

Wake up in the morning
Put your feet on the floor
50 yard dash to the outhouse door
Diarrhea...

-Tom, Deerfield, Illinois

Down by the Station

Down by the station Where no one goes
Sat (girl's name) without any clothes
Along came (boy's name) swinging his chain
Down went his pants and out it came
3 months later all was well
6 months later it started to swell
9 months later out it came
A little baby (boy's name) swinging his chain
-Tom, Deerfield, Illinois

Cinderella Jump Rope Rhyme

Cinderella dressed in yellow
went up stairs to kiss a fella
made a mistake and kissed a snake.
How many doctors did it take??
-Zoli Nazaari-Uebele, Orange County, CA

This land is my land

This land is my land
This land's not your land.
I got a shot gun
and you ain't got one
If you don't get off
I'll blow your head off
This land is private property.
-Zoli Nazaari-Uebele, Orange County, CA

America the Beautiful

Oh beautiful for smog filled skies and insecticided grain
For strip mined mountains majesty above the asphalt plains.
America, America, man's shed his waste on thee.
And hidden thine pines with billboards signs
from sea to sludge filled sea.
-Zoli Nazaari-Uebele, Orange County, CA

Rip Rip Rip your Pants

Here's one I learned in Newton, MA from three little girls I nannied

Rip, rip, rip your pants
gently down the seam,
merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
hear the ladies scream

-Jody Gontoski, Newton, MA

Ding Dong

this is my first dirty joke ever, that i learned in kindergarten in Greenbush, ME, which at the time i found quite hilarious because it contained the word "ding dong"

Tigers have stripes all the way to their
Ding Dong! Avon lady calling!
-Jody, Newton, MA

Whistle while you work

Whistle while you work
Hitler was a jerk
Mussolini bit his weenie
now it doesn't work
-Jody, Newton, MA

More Diarrhea

people think its funny
but its just brown and runny
diarrhea
-Jody, Newton, MA

Little Birdie in the Sky.

Little birdy in the sky, dropped a poopie in my eye. i
don't scream, i don't cry. i thank the lord that cow's
can't fly!
-Juan

Down by the cherry tree

Down by the cherry tree,
that's where she showed it to me,
it was black, hairy, had a big crack,
and it looked like a jungle to me.

So I whipped out my hairy banana,
shoved it up her crack,
she let out a big scream,
then I filled it with whip cream.




-S D
Circa 1980s

Land of Oz

In the land of oz
where the women wear no bras
and the guys don't care
because they don't wear underwear
-Milena, Ontario

Shake it

We're going to Chicago
We're going to the fair
to see a naked lady
with flowers in her hair.
So, shake it baby shake it,
shake if it you can,
shake it to make milkshake
and drink it from a man
-Milena, Ontario

Pile of shit

Hold your mouth open from the sides using your fingers and say: I was born on a pirate ship
(Comes out: I was born on a pile of shit)

-Milena, Ontario

Farts

Excuse me for that burp,
it wasn't very smart,
but if it'd come out the other end
it would have been a fart
-Milena, Ontario

Stupid

What's the definition of pain? Sliding down a razor blade and falling into a pool of iodine
What's the definition of gross? A baby after two minutes in a microwave
(Also, "What's the definition of stupid? Two bald men fighting over a comb" but that's not a funny ;-)
-Milena, Ontario

Barny love

Tic tac toe three in a row
Barney got shot by a GI Joe
Barney called the doctor and The Doctor Said
Whoop Barneys Dead Whoop Barneys Dead.

-----

I hate you, you hate me, lets hang barney from a tree
with a shot gun bang blood is on the floor
no more purple dinosaur.

ALSO

I hate you, you hate me lets hang Barney from a tree
with a bullet in his chest and an arrow in his head
now that purple dinos' dead.
-Marj Mears, Tulsa, Oklahoma
Circa Early '90s

On top of old smokey

On top of old smokey
all covered in blood
I shot I shot my poor teacher
with a 44 stud.

I went to her funeral
I went to her grave,
some people thew flowers
I threw hand granades.

She got up and chased
me so I cut off her head.
It rolled down the drive way
and into the street
and now all the cats
have something to eat.

-Marj Mears, Tulsa, Oklahoma
Circa Early '90s

Epitaph

I was here here but now i'm gone I left my name to turn you on. Those who knew me knew me well those who did not can go to hell.
-Marj Mears, Tulsa, Oklahoma

The cow Kicked Fred

The cow kicked Fred in the head in the barn,
But the doctor said it would do no harm,
So we all kicked Fred in the head in the barn!
(Next verse same as the first, only a little bit louder and a little bit worse!)
-Jason
Circa Edmonton, Alberta

Abe Lincoln

Abraham Lincoln was a good old man
jumped out the window with his dick in his hand.
Said excuse me ladies just doin my duty
so pull down your pants and give me some booty.
-Hank, MO

Ronald Regan

Old Ronnie Reagan was a good old man.
He washed his face with a frying pan.
He jumped out the window with his dick in his hand
Saying “Hey motherfuckers, I’m Superman!”
-J. Rose, Philadelphia, PA,
Circa 1984

Sisterdick

Walkin down the halls
scratchin my balls
my dick got caught in the elevator walls
my sister screamed
my dick turned green
that was the end of my little ding a ling
I called the doctor, the doctor said
sorry son but your dick is dead
-Mike, Idaho

Mother Fucker

Mother fucker titty sucker two balled bitch
your mother’s in the kitchen cookin red hot shit
your daddy’s in jail
your brother’s in hell
your sister’s on the corner sayin pussy pussy pussy for sale
-Mike, Idaho

Mean Motherfucker

I’m a mean motherfucker, I’m a jungle man
I’m walkin through the woods with my dick in my hand
I look up in a tree, what do I see
it’s a big fat nigger tryin to piss on me
so I bust out my glock
shot him in the cock
that damn nigger did a belly flop
then I jumped in my jeep and slammed on the gas
and ran right over that fat nigger’s ass

(yeah racism wasn’t that big of a deal back in the 80’s)
-Mike, Idaho
Circa mid-'80s

The Old Lady

An elderly relative used to sing this when she was doing her housework, and as a kid I just picked it up deriving much pleasure from it across the years. That was in Bellingham, Washington, U.S.A

The old lady went upstairs to get some gin
She fell in the piss-pot, up to her chin
Well, she couldn’t swim and she couldn’t float
Then she felt those turds a-runnin’ down her throat
Well, she whooped and she hollered and she shit on the floor
And wipe her ass, her big old ass, on the knob of the door.
-Anon, Bellingham, WA

The Old Grey Mare

Ohhhhhhh…the old grey mare she [fart sound] on the wiffle-tree
[fart sound] on the wiffle-tree, [fart sound] on the wiffle tree
The old grey mare she [fart sound] on the whiffle tree
Many long years ago.

(”Wiffle Tree” is a name for the part of the wagon that you hook the horses up to)
-Anon, Bellingham, WA

Dandilion game

nd then there was this silly thing we used to do when we were kids: You take a dandelion and hold it in your hand with your thumb “cocked” underneath the flower head. Then you say, “MOMMA HAD A BABY AND ITS HEAD POPPED OFF!” popping the flowerhead up in the air with your thumb just as you say “head,” with emphasis on that word.
-Anon, Bellingham, WA

Hey Left Nut...

When 3 people are walking down the street, the two on the outside have this exchange:

A: "Hey left nut..."
B: "Yeah, right nut?"
A: "Who's the penis in between us?"
-Django, America
Circa 1987

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.
Jack got high undid his fly and asked Jill if she wanna,
Jill said yes tore off her dress and they had some fun.
Silly Jill forgot her Pill and now they have a son.
-Jason, Canada

Yo Mama

Ain't yo mama pretty
She got meatballs on her titties
She got bacon and eggs between her legs
Oh, ain't yo mama pretty


I took her to a party
She turned around and farted
I asked her why she did it
She turned around and shitted

-Katie Gentry, Green Bay, WI
Circa My mom taught me this when I was 7

Wee Wee Tot

When I was a wee wee tot
they took me from my warm warm cot
and sat me on a cold cold pot
and made me wee wee
whether I could or not

-Beth, Philadelphia

Jeans, Jeans

jeans jeans the magical pants,
the tighter they are the greater the chance
the greater the chance
you'll be there to watch
the way that he scratches that itch in his crotch.
-Mozelle, Northern Florida
Circa 1984

Send us more rhymes, jokes and tricks you played on people in your early years. Especially if they're variations on the things we already have on the site. Please include the city and state you lived in when you learned it. info@milkmilklemonade.com